"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
