his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
