You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
