when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
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