After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
