I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Randomize
