they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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