I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
