i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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