the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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