I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Ladies don't puke and tell
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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