i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
