you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
