Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
