shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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