Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
from now on my penis is your penis
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
