I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
