Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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