The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
she pinky promised me she was 18
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
