You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Send help, water and tortillas.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
