I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I checked into jail on foursquare
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
