you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
the liver wants what the liver wants
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
