wanna go halves on a baby?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
