I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
