peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
