I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
