Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
