i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
