matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
