She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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