the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
