I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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