So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
