just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
