she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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