I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
