So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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