I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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