Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
