I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
