After last night, I could never be a politician.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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