Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
