No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
