Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
