shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
