Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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