you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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