Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
