I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
