He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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